Monday morning, I got dressed in the dark before heading to work. No big deal, right?
Fast forward a couple of hours. I’m in my cubicle, finishing up my coffee, when nature calls. (I’m trying to word this delicately, but let me be clear just in case there is any confusion: by “nature calls” I do not mean birds chirping outside the office or squirrels burying nuts; I mean I had to relieve myself. ‘K? ‘K). So I walk into the bathroom, unzip my jeans, and start fumbling around. And fumbling around. Not in a weird or perverted way – I just couldn’t, ahem, reach things. You see – and this is directed at the ladies, who may not be aware of this – men’s underwear has a slit in the front, which makes the whole taking-a-whiz process easier. (I know, I know…we already get to stand up and do it, how much more simplification do we need?). For some reason that slit wasn’t where it was supposed to be, a fact that caused me all sorts of confusion and even a fleeting bout of John Wayne Bobbitt fear.
This underwear is defective, I thought. I wondered if I still had the receipt. Then remembered that I’d been wearing them without trouble for at least a year.
“What the hell?” I muttered out loud, but then somebody else walked in and I had to curtail that talking-out-loud nonsense. After much consternation, I realized what was happening: I had put my boxer shorts on backwards, so that slit – let’s call it an escape hatch, just for fun – was in the rear instead of the front. Not a big deal in the overall scheme of things, right?
Because the rest of the day felt wrong. Backwards, if you will. Everything seemed odd: my computer monitor was too bright, the carpet too stiff, the parking lot too asphalty. It’s like the universe was askew, not just my boxers. I debated for a moment stepping into one of the stalls and righting what was wrong, but I generally tend to refrain from dropping my trousers at work, so I just let it be. And watched my liquid intake the rest of the day. Still, there were a couple more inevitable trips to the john, and sure enough every time I was in there I struggled with the mechanics of being unable to just let it fly through my fly. This might have been the first time in my life I envied women and the necessity of their gotta-sit-down-to-take-a-leak anatomy.
Naturally, as soon as I went home, I decided to go commando. I figured by that point I’d earned the right!
For some reason I felt compelled to post a status update on Facebook bemoaning the fact that I had gotten dressed in the dark and things hadn’t turned out well, and amongst the many clever responses was this gem from Tara:
Wow…you really are lost without me.
‘Tis true. If she had been here, instead of visiting family in Seattle, I’m sure I would have put my underwear on correctly. Even though five and a half years passed with nary a backwards bloomers incident. What can I say? She keeps me sane. So, the fact that she’s leaving for a solo trip to Ely in a few more days has me in all sorts of disarray. I can’t help but wonder what will befall me next. God, I hope I don’t show up to work with an inside-out shirt or – gasp! – no pants. Talk about a fashion faux pas. I mean, I wouldn’t mind a raise, but I’d rather earn it through my hard work, ya know?
Speaking of work, things continue to go well. I still find it hard to believe at times that I happened upon this job. Wednesday morning, my supervisor and I were checking out the lineup for Portland’s upcoming Music Fest Northwest, and talking about rock ‘n roll bands. And then, a copy of the latest issue of Billboard magazine landed on my desk. All of this happened right after I’d updated our various social media sites. I realized, in that moment, how much of a charmed life I am leading: I get paid to talk about music, post things on Facebook and Twitter, and read magazines. I feel like I’ve hit the freakin’ jackpot.
As the Barenaked Ladies famously said, pinch me.
(That there is industry jargon).
Carry on with your week, but tell me first – have you ever had any embarrassing fashion incidents? How did you cope with them during your day?